Perhaps you read Ambrose Bierce's Devil's Dictionary in high school or college. Since its publication in 1911, this little volume has delighted generations with its sharp witicisms. The author of the present work does not presume to claim Bierce's wit or erudition, but, inspired by his example, humbly offers

The Devil's Dictionary Updated

airplane, n. A remarkably rapid form of modern transportation which serves to move a traveler quickly from the scene of one disappointment to the next.

asinine, adj. A pejorative term fairly describing views different from my own.

Democratic base, n. People who take Al Sharpton seriously.

Democratic Party, n. A U.S. political party which wants to control your money.

modernize, v. To make shoddier, tackier, uglier, and more expensive.

progress, n. Change which purports to solve one problem while it causes another that is worse.

Republican base, n. People who take Pat Robertson seriously.

Republican Party, n. A U.S. political party which wants to control your genitals.

smokers' rights, n. Unlimited freedom to assault innocent bystanders with poison chemicals.

smoking section, n. In backward states where it is still permitted, the part of a restaurant where people go to demonstrate their love for their children by poisoning them with toxic fumes.

wellness, n. The same thing as health, but it costs more.


Other entries will be added as the author thinks of them.